hangingover

i woke up this morning with a clear mind. i got dressed and went to the farmers market. i sat in the sunlight and sipped on my freshly brewed iced latte. i headed back and enjoyed the morning on the porch swing at the house.

it sucks. i used to have so much fun in the early stages of drinking. i would be right in the thick of things with my friends. time was warped and it was a mix of laughing and so many good times. but— i didn’t last all night. almost every time i came back i was either unhappy or made really bad decisions.

there’s no easy way to practice sobriety. i have had moments where i’ve thought about drinking and would’ve probably caved if everyone in the room was on board. one big thing i’ve learned in my early stages of sobriety is, have at least one advocate. i told myself, before coming to school, i did not want to drink. no one is telling me i have to follow through, though. i’ve had to learn to be comfortable in my situation and to stand up boldly for myself. i’ve been able to figure out how to be the life of the party without a drop in my system. i’ve had friends and family pledge to sobriety to do the hard thing with me.

there have also been moments where i’ve texted friends with, “i’m not okay right now. please pray for my strength.” i’ve gotten calls from my parents in the middle of the bars checking in on me through the chaos. i’ve cried about the FOMO i sometimes experience.

i feel embarrassed at times because i know i can’t handle my alcohol. i feel sad knowing i’ll have to face whatever decisions i make with complete sobriety and with no excuse i can pull out of my back pocket.

i would spend the majority of the next day in bed asleep and recovering. now, i get to experience the day for everything that it is. i feel so healthy and so clear-minded. it’s exciting that i can do all these things i love to do with energy and hopefulness. my mind is a clear blue sky without a cloud in sight.

it’s been a rollercoaster but every time i don’t drink i feel like i’m fulfilling a challenge. i feel like i can do one more night because waking up in the morning feels so good.