my award

Before the semester started, I made a list of intentions I wanted to uphold. I sat with my therapist and parents to review these goals, so they could help keep me accountable. One of my goals was to stay sober for the first month of college. I stayed sober over the summer and wanted to continue my journey into the school year. 

I felt like one month was a good goal to reach towards. I could measure my class load, face new adjustments on campus, and settle myself into a different living system. One month in, and I would be confident and ready for the semester–personally, academically, and socially. So, that became my goal: one month of sobriety.

After moving in, I explained to my friends that I wasn’t going to be drinking. Everyone was so supportive and was excited to cheer me along on my journey. While I have friends across campus who don’t drink (for a variety of reasons), I’m not always with those friends. I was anticipating a hefty challenge ahead of me.

I knew everyone would go out the first night back on campus. As soon as the bottles and cans hit the tables, I faced temptation. Everyone around me was drinking. The old me would have been in the mix of things. I was a new me, a different me, though. I still asked my friends hesitantly, “Should I do it? It’s the first night back.” I wanted to drink. I had already made it the entire summer. Was one night really THAT bad? Everyone looked at me and said, “It’s up to you.” I watched as my friends lost themselves in the night. I kept thinking about the promise I made myself and my family, and I resisted drinking. Everyone was drifting from me during the first hour losing themselves to the alcohol. I became on edge. I felt alone. I felt sad. I felt out of place. I felt weird. I was uncomfortable. It was SO HARD to stay sober.

Thankfully, later in the night, a close friend met up with me. She stuck by my side through the night. She gave me tips for staying sober as she had already been sober her entirety of college. 

I followed her lead and the night turned out to be so much fun. Everyone was dancing and excited to be back together after summer break. No one had a care in the world. It was freeing. It was fun. It was euphoric.

At the end of the night I walked home with my friend. She turned towards me. She said, “Ellie, I am so proud of you.” I looked at her confused, and she continued, “You went the whole night and stayed sober.” I smiled. I forgot that I hadn’t drank. I made it the first night. 

After the first weekend out, I went to Target and grabbed a case of non-alcoholic drinks to have when going out. I purchased a stack of blue solo cups to hold at parties so I wouldn’t be singled out for not having a drink in my hand. I became the signature “blue solo cup girl.” My drink of choice, you might ask…Coke (and not the nasty Diet stuff). A can of coke in a blue solo cup became my comfort in the midst of chaos.

I continued on with the cycle— going out, staying sober, and having fun despite not drinking. I made it to one month. Then two. Then three. I surpassed my initial goal.

My final weeks have been hard. Last week I almost caved. I was out celebrating with my friends and felt like everywhere I turned, there was alcohol. I wanted to participate so badly. I was so close to giving in and taking a sip. Then, I remembered one of my best friends saying to me in a past conversation, “There’s never a night I look back that I stayed sober and wished I would have gotten drunk.” I pushed my temptations aside, once again, enjoyed the rest of the night, and woke up the next morning feeling so proud of myself for sticking to the plan.

Tonight is the night before the last day of classes. Tomorrow morning, per tradition, many students will wake up and start drinking before going to class for the final time. Later in the day there will be a massive party to commemorate the work of the fall and the hell of academia we endure. It will be the last time drinking for the semester because of finals over the next two weeks.

Tomorrow, I will have made it one semester sober. At college. Fully wrapped up in the social scene of parties and bars. Sometimes as the only sober person in the room. 

Every weekend I faced the temptations. Every weekend I resisted. 

You might wonder how long I will carry this sobriety on–and I don’t have an answer for you right now. Part of me wants to make it a year. Part of me wants to make it through college. Part of me never wants to drink again. 

My friends always ask me how I do it— how I stay sober around a bunch of college kids who live for the next night out; they always say I should get an award. 

While I could give some longwinded answer, my satisfaction lies in the fact that I am turning my life around. It’s so damn hard sometimes, but I know I’m not alone in my journey. Some nights my friends will stay sober with me. My parents have also stayed sober in solidarity with me. Even though I never asked them to, they have supported me throughout my trials and tribulations and have faced the social scene as adults who are choosing sobriety. There are random people in a crowd I make eye contact with that I know are sober, too. It’s a little community.

I guess this is my long way of saying to everyone, “I made it.” One semester. Sober. I did it. No one can take that away from me— that’s my award to hold.