depression & anxiety are like that of a disease, they are illnesses. much like cancer, those suffering fight an uphill daily battle. often though, mental health to the world looks like an aesthetic instagram post on a story. mental illness can be easier to hide. grades can be good. diet can be good. exercise can be good. but deep down, the mind isn’t good.
while i could say my story is unique- it’s all too common. i’ve experienced the deepest love, traveled and seen the most gorgeous places, i’ve done the teen bucket list. i have all the people in the world who love me, i have the best friends, i go to an academically prestigious school, i laugh everyday- on and on and on.
faith in Jesus, family, friends, doctors, medicine, exercise, and good grades were not enough to save me. i couldn’t save myself.
approximately 750,000 people attempt suicide annually. i became one of those numbers on april 24th around 12:30 am. i was done with it all. a night out with friends quickly turned sour. soon enough i was walking back to my dorm with one intent- escaping the pain, the illness, and the labels. i got back to my quiet room, downed the pills, and laid down to rest. peace. it was working. i would finally be free from it all.
a few minutes later i was holding the hand of a stranger telling him, “just tell my parents i love them and i’m so sorry.” yelling and crying were a blur, but i knew 911 was coming. i was carried out on a gurney by angels, and swiftly taken to the emergency.
i sit here today in recovery. learning about who i am and what i have to offer the world. i see so much beauty in those around me, but deeply struggle to see it in myself.
i say all these things with a deep vulnerability. i want you to check in on the people you love. how are they really doing? are you sure?
the pain is still so deep, but as my dad told me with tubes, IVs, heart and other internal conditions, “live for the million little pleasures that await you.”
Well said, Ellie. I have had some of these things in my life through the years. Counseling and meds have helped. But, the Lord has truly helped me through a lot. Also, my mother was a God fearing woman that prayed “without ceasing.; Just like your mom. I thank God for them. So, continue and remember this too shall pass. The Bible is silent on a timeframe.. Therefore we should not give up hope and faith..
I love you very much. I am sorry that you have had to deal with this.